This blogpost will be about a multitude of different things. Usually my blogposts are dedicated to either depression or marriage/love, but I’ve been feeling so many different things all at once that I decided to just write about everything. I have been in such a low point of my depression for the past few weeks, it’s honestly terrible. My emotions are constantly yoyo-ing back and forth from ecstatic to extremely depressed. I don’t know what topic to start with first, so let’s just see how this goes.
I went to Orlando in December for a conference, but I also treated it as a vacation because I stayed there for a few days longer than the conference. This conference was life changing for many of my friends because they had to go through various interviews for pharmacy fellowships. I stayed with my two good friends and one friend/acquaintance of sorts. But you know when you live with someone for a few days, you basically become good friends with them. It was actually wonderful living with 3 other girls. I am a very careful person in terms of my actions and what I say, but it was great to just live an uncensored life with these girls.
There’s also a downside to living with other people, though. You have to become accustomed to their style of living. I am someone who tends to adjust and adapt based on the people I am surrounded with. However, when it comes to living or staying somewhere, I need cleanliness. Let’s just say one of my roommates was not the most organized or clean person. On top of that, she would take hour long showers in the morning and at night. Such a waste of water. You don’t need to shower twice in a day!!
That affected our friendship a bit because I have a tendency to say whatever comes to mind. She didn’t take it well since her interview stress was also getting to her. We didn’t talk for a good month and a half after returning from Orlando because I was so pissed at everything she did there. Oh well, it was a nice vacation and great way to clear my mind (Or so I thought. I honestly think my mood worsened after I came back from Orlando).
I’ve been going to many dawats (basically dinner parties) with my family over the past few months and weeks as well. I think I did a blogpost, but a family friend’s son got married a few months ago, and what has followed after that has been a slew of dawats. The newlywed guy’s cousin also just recently had a baby (like in April okay, but still a baby). Annndddd, you guessed it, I get baby fever EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I don’t even know why I get baby fever considering the fact that I don’t really have anyone in my life and my career hasn’t even started. But the baby fever is real, and just seeing the bond between baby and mom makes me want the same for myself.
I have always loved children (not in the creepy, pedo way okay). That’s one of the main reasons why I thought I wanted to work in pediatrics, but then I started rotations LOL and realized pediatrics is not for me. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized how much I wanted to be a mother. But I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship or get married at that time, so it was like meh whatever (and yes I know you can have kids without actually being with someone LOL, but those religious boundaries you guys!).
If I’m being honest though, I sometimes do think maybe having kids would not be right for me. It’s weird. On one hand, my biggest fear in life is not finding love and then raising a family with the one I love. On the other hand, with all of my mental health issues, I doubt that I would be able to properly care for a child. But I guess if that desire to have kids is so overwhelming at times, then that must mean that God will allow that and make things better. Does that make sense? Probably not.
Going along with the dawat thing, at every single dawat, aunties will ask me or my mother when I plan on getting married or if they’ve (i.e. my parents) found someone for me yet. Honestly, it frustrates me, but then it also gives me so much anxiety because once again, it leads to the question of is this even something that’s meant to be in my life. Maybe I’m not destined to get married and raise a family.
I have to travel in the next few weeks for career-related things. And while I’m someone who loves my parents and is super close to them, goddamn they need to chill. My mom can’t even eat anything because she’s so worried about me going to a new city alone. She won’t even let me go to Chicago for a few extra days because she thinks it’s unnecessary. My dad keeps telling me to take a picture of the Uber and drivers and send it to them because in his mind I will get raped. My parents are liberal-conservative and let me do many things, but travelling is something I want to do, but I can’t because every single time I’m gonna have to deal with this. It’s frustrating to no end.
So this is everything that has been suffocating me for the past few months now. It’s been tough, but also wonderful at the same time. Like every other Desi girl, I desire that independence to do whatever I want without feeling that suffocation by my parents. But unlike some Desi girls, I just don’t have the strength or energy to truly fight for that independence. I don’t want to end on a depressing note, but that’s just where my mind has wandered off to now. I just think that in 5 years time, I’ll probably be working at a job I don’t really enjoy and married to someone who I don’t love because I gave into the pressure. Maybe I’ll have a kid by then, and that might be the single glimmer of hope.