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A new year, a not so new me — August 28, 2013

A new year, a not so new me

A new year at university has started (which means a whole new year has started in my book, it’s still 2013, but it’s a new year to me). I’m a second year now, wooo. It’s really not as exciting as I’m making it sound. But my woooo statement was meant to be sarcastic, so I guess I’m not even attempting to make it sound exciting. I noticed a little trend that might be starting with me. Every time a new school year starts I go through an existential crisis of sorts. Yes it consists of the whole what am I doing with my life, I will achieve nothing, will this even help, is all this schooling even worth it, etc etc. Last year, my existential crisis was terrible. So terrible in fact that I sorta kinda sunk into depression for a bit. Now my research with mental health has indicated that I might have depression, but it hasn’t actually officially been diagnosed (so I’m a liar for just going around and crying to telling everyone about it). 

This year, I am yet again going through another existential crisis in which the self-loather in me is coming out in full swing. (By the way, if you have a self-loathing alter ego, please just tell it to shut up and sit down or just leave the room). Okay, so yes this may have been spurred by a certain event, but there are so many things I loathe about myself. So today I decided to make a list, well two lists actually. Dear reader, you should also make a list of everything you love about yourself, but also make one about the things you should improve. In order to keep the self-loather at bay, we will not make a list of things you hate about yourself, but rather things that need improvement.

Rules to making said list: Start off with the good and end with the bad. Have some chocolate handy in case the self-loather comes out. Make lists. Eat more chocolate.

Reasons why I’m the best person to walk this planet:

  1. #2kawaii4u
  2. 19 yr old chick who still looks 12
  3. prettiest eyes ever
  4. somewhat attractive facial futures
  5. curvy woman
  6. hilarious, a natural sense of humor
  7. can be super motherly also
  8. super nice to people
  9. always willing to help
  10. smart
  11. well-mannered
  12. care about the people near and dear to me
  13. average height and weight
  14. somewhat decent fashion sense
  15. HIPSTUR GLASSES (okay this isn’t really me me but they define me)
  16. wow i can’t think of anything else
  17. let’s hope the self-loather doesn’t come out next

Reasons why I am not so great:

  1. easily trusts people
  2. gets too excited over things
  3. social skills
  4. social awkwardness
  5. always sleepy
  6. i actually can’t think of anything else
  7. mission keep self-loather at bay complete

Try making lists like these. I’m amazed at how many things were amazing about me.

Okay so I’ll just mention the most important reason for making this post: I always tend to put down myself (like ALL the time), so I decided to try something like this. Something terrible happened to me today and I keep blaming myself, but it wasn’t my fault. So it was necessary to make something like this. I was genuinely surprised that I couldn’t think of too many negative things about me. And that’s the point I want to make. There will be that voice in your head (that’s totally not your conscience) that will always try to put your down and make you feel guilty for something that’s not your fault. What you need to do is find a way to rise above that negative Nelly in your head and prove that you are an amazing person after all. For some people it’s easy to love and praise themselves. For those who can’t do so (like me), try this technique.

BTW (by the way, learn this lingo plz): does the title seem applicable?

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Looking back to a younger me — August 18, 2013

Looking back to a younger me

I feel like I start all of my blog posts by saying sorry, but once again I apologize for not posting anything the past few days. I think it’s been about a week since my last post. So many things are happening at the same that it’s hard to keep up with blogging. At least I’m back for another post, right? Alrighty, let’s begin.

It amazes me how much I’ve changed and matured in the past year. I’ve changed mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Perhaps, the most noticeable change in me was losing 35-40 pounds after starting college. It’s funny because people usually end up gaining 15 pounds their freshman year, but I lost twice the amount. I suppose this is partially due to me walking a lot from building to building. I commute to school also, so that involves lots of walking up and down the stairs (and running to catch the train). I also went on a one month vacation exactly one year ago to my homeland which caused me to lose a few pounds. I tried to maintain a healthy diet, but that’s impossible for me. I hate to admit it, but I’m a calorie counter. (I basically have created a calorie deficit for myself and make sure to burn a lot more calories than I intake. I am by no means a healthy eater. The only significant diet change I have partook is abstaining from soda and butter.) I do a mixture of FitnessBlender and Insanity videos throughout the week to maintain my cardiovascular health and tone my muscles. 

Alright enough about my weight loss, I can write a whole blog entry dedicated to that later (when I decide to eat healthier). Emotionally, I have changed. I don’t know if you can say I matured, but I definitely changed. As mentioned in my previous blog post, I’m not that great at expressing my emotions. They’re all pretty much bottled inside me. However, this year I did harden a bit more. (Actually now that I think about it, I’m not even sure if this is an emotional change, but just go with the flow) I used to let people walk all over me and ALWAYS put their needs before mines. For example, I would have a big assignment due for English and would spend hours working on it, and then I’d let someone just copy the assignment. In college, that’s not the case anymore. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can actually say NO (sort of. Ok, ok, I’m not too good at it yet, but I’ll get better.) I also became even more introverted than I was which is just asdfghklqwertyio. 

I’m also not that dependent on my parents anymore. Granted I’m a commuter, so there’s still a long way to go before becoming fully independent, but I’m getting there. Last year, I placed all my financial responsibilities on my father. That included maintaining MY OWN bank account, creating a budget for me, and indirectly buying my textbooks for me. Yeah, it was ridiculous. I remember messaging upperclassmen to wait until I consulted my dad about their textbooks. Now I’ve accept my own financial responsibilities. I am taking out loans on my own with some (not a lot) assistance from my parents.

I know, I know. You’re thinking “Wow really, what is wrong with this chick?” But I basically lived a sheltered lifestyle. 

Eventually, I want to at least start paying my own bills. My parents won’t let me pay for my own clothes and belongings. I want to be able to do that. Hopefully, I can move out and actually begin living independently. 

This post isn’t that great. I fail at writing blog posts. Sowwie. 

Lost in communication — August 11, 2013

Lost in communication

I really wanted to come up with an interesting title for this post, but I have a terrible headache which impedes my mental capabilities, so lost in communication it is. In case you’re wondering, lost in communication comes from the ever popular phrase lost in translation. That being said, I promised I would explain my poem, and so here I go explaining a rather major part of my personality.

Before I begin, I want to say sorry for being really late at posting this. I don’t deserve these wonderful readers that I have. I really don’t. Ramadan was ending last week, so I had no energy left because fasting for 16 1/2 hours every day for a month drains you. No food, no water until after sunset, repeat this for 29-30 days. That is what you call Ramadan. After Ramadan was Eid (ul-Fitr) (on Thursday)  which involved me going to every close family friend’s house and eating as much as I could. Friday was just an off-day. I was busy prepping for Saturday because we were heading down the shore with some family friends. Come Saturday, a group of 24 brown people showed up at the beach with biryani, roti, sabzi, chips, soda, water, the whole deal. We stood out cause we were fully clothed (we’re super conservative and Muslim). Me being me, I wore a rather low cut top and capris and all the aunties stared at me cause I was being way too radical, man. I digress, back to the main point. Anyways, I finally (I hope) have come up with inspiration to write a successful blog entry.

These past three days have really highlighted the ever-dominating feature of my personality: social awkwardness. That social awkwardness is coupled with an introverted nature and extreme social anxiety. Since middle school, I have been highly self-conscious. I know, I know, people don’t care much to worry about every little aspect of your appearance, they have other things to worry about. Try telling that to my brain. Deep down, I know no one cares, but a good majority of my time is spent over-analyzing everything I say and do out of fear that I will be judged. I thought I was getting better, but nope it just gets worse.

This might be due to the fact that I was a pretty chubby kid during my middle and high school years. I only recently decided to lose weight prior to entering college (second year college student now). I hoped that weight loss would improve my social anxiety, but nope I feel like it just made it worse. Every time I socialize (or at least attempt to), I spend the whole time over-analyzing everything. For example, if you appear somewhat disinterested, then I will think I am boring you and just leave. If you start talking to someone else, I will think you hate me and leave. All in all, I am pessimistic when it comes to socializing.

Now that I have attempted to explain my social anxiety, I will go onto explain my social awkwardness. I cannot for the life of me hold a conversation. If you saw me walking around and I knew you, I would do everything to avoid because I am not good at starting a conversation and then continuing it. A typical conversation with me consists of a hello and how are you. If you want to talk more, then please continue the conversation yourself so that I can continue talking to you. I don’t hate talking to people, I just have a difficult time getting close to you and fully opening up. In fact, after I get closer to you and know you better, I am a completely different person.

These two mixed in with my tendency to hide my emotions leads to a social disaster. I basically always seem bored and disinterested. I could be the happiest person on earth, but all you would see is a poker face. I cannot express my emotions properly.

I was always a shy child growing up. I suspect that also has something to do with me utterly failing at communication. But I still wonder what happened to make this even worse. As a child, I was shy, but I was also pretty loud and wild.

So, dear reader, I now ask you: What do you do to overcome social awkwardness and social anxiety? Introverts, what do you do? More importantly, how can I become a more social person because I really just hate the way I am right now?

Writer’s block — August 4, 2013

Writer’s block

I am determined to post something today. Every night before I go to sleep, my mind becomes full of new ideas and things to blog about. Every time I log onto this blog, my mind goes blank. I can’t think of anything to write about anymore. When I lay down to go to sleep, the ideas come rushing back. Today I am determined to write about something. I don’t know what that something is, but I hope, dear reader, that this post entertains you and gives you some insight into that something.

I think I’m experiencing writer’s block (hence the title of this post). But it might not be writer’s block either because I know what I want to write about when I’m not signed on to this blog. Oh well. I really hope this post entertains you because I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore.

I suppose I should share a poem with you.

Familiar and unknown faces surround me.

I am amidst the mass hysteria,

But I am not what causes the mass hysteria.

 

I want to escape, run away from this crowd,

But as I try to move one step forward, I am trampled.

These faces with no names, these unknown bodies,

They push me and shove me so that they reach their destination.

 

Deep down, I know that they do not mean to do so,

I know they are simply in a hurry,

A hurry to reach their destination,

Be it their home or their workplace,

But who am I to be amidst this hysteria.

 

And so, I also try to reach my destination,

Being shoved and trampled on the way,

Only to find out that once I’ve arrived,

There was no destination to go to.

 

The poem describes how I feel when I’m in crowd or even just a public setting. I am simply a shadow, not one to be acknowledged. I am simply just there, a hindrance for everyone around me. I will gather my thoughts throughout the day tomorrow, and I promise I will write a post explaining what I mean by this poem.