I really wanted to come up with an interesting title for this post, but I have a terrible headache which impedes my mental capabilities, so lost in communication it is. In case you’re wondering, lost in communication comes from the ever popular phrase lost in translation. That being said, I promised I would explain my poem, and so here I go explaining a rather major part of my personality.
Before I begin, I want to say sorry for being really late at posting this. I don’t deserve these wonderful readers that I have. I really don’t. Ramadan was ending last week, so I had no energy left because fasting for 16 1/2 hours every day for a month drains you. No food, no water until after sunset, repeat this for 29-30 days. That is what you call Ramadan. After Ramadan was Eid (ul-Fitr) (on Thursday) which involved me going to every close family friend’s house and eating as much as I could. Friday was just an off-day. I was busy prepping for Saturday because we were heading down the shore with some family friends. Come Saturday, a group of 24 brown people showed up at the beach with biryani, roti, sabzi, chips, soda, water, the whole deal. We stood out cause we were fully clothed (we’re super conservative and Muslim). Me being me, I wore a rather low cut top and capris and all the aunties stared at me cause I was being way too radical, man. I digress, back to the main point. Anyways, I finally (I hope) have come up with inspiration to write a successful blog entry.
These past three days have really highlighted the ever-dominating feature of my personality: social awkwardness. That social awkwardness is coupled with an introverted nature and extreme social anxiety. Since middle school, I have been highly self-conscious. I know, I know, people don’t care much to worry about every little aspect of your appearance, they have other things to worry about. Try telling that to my brain. Deep down, I know no one cares, but a good majority of my time is spent over-analyzing everything I say and do out of fear that I will be judged. I thought I was getting better, but nope it just gets worse.
This might be due to the fact that I was a pretty chubby kid during my middle and high school years. I only recently decided to lose weight prior to entering college (second year college student now). I hoped that weight loss would improve my social anxiety, but nope I feel like it just made it worse. Every time I socialize (or at least attempt to), I spend the whole time over-analyzing everything. For example, if you appear somewhat disinterested, then I will think I am boring you and just leave. If you start talking to someone else, I will think you hate me and leave. All in all, I am pessimistic when it comes to socializing.
Now that I have attempted to explain my social anxiety, I will go onto explain my social awkwardness. I cannot for the life of me hold a conversation. If you saw me walking around and I knew you, I would do everything to avoid because I am not good at starting a conversation and then continuing it. A typical conversation with me consists of a hello and how are you. If you want to talk more, then please continue the conversation yourself so that I can continue talking to you. I don’t hate talking to people, I just have a difficult time getting close to you and fully opening up. In fact, after I get closer to you and know you better, I am a completely different person.
These two mixed in with my tendency to hide my emotions leads to a social disaster. I basically always seem bored and disinterested. I could be the happiest person on earth, but all you would see is a poker face. I cannot express my emotions properly.
I was always a shy child growing up. I suspect that also has something to do with me utterly failing at communication. But I still wonder what happened to make this even worse. As a child, I was shy, but I was also pretty loud and wild.
So, dear reader, I now ask you: What do you do to overcome social awkwardness and social anxiety? Introverts, what do you do? More importantly, how can I become a more social person because I really just hate the way I am right now?