cor ad cor loquitur

where heart speaks to heart

I don’t want to be alone — January 8, 2014

I don’t want to be alone

My grandmother passed away today. I wasn’t very close to her, nor was I fond of her, but still her death has made me sink into a deep depression. There’s reasons to that, and of course this wouldn’t be a blog post without me explaining those reasons (Now you might be wondering why blog the day your grandmother dies, I need a place to vent and I have no one who listens to me, so there).

I don’t want to be alone. There, I admit it. Since eight grade (because reasons which are far too many), I decided to withdraw myself from society, talk to the least number of people, and make the least number of friends. Why? Quite simply put, people suck. I stopped talking to my cousins, my supposed friends (they were crappy friends), and pretty much the whole world. I didn’t want to trust people because they will just break your heart in the end.

So today, my grandmother passed away. My dad came home, we broke the news, he fell to the floor crying. And in that moment, I realized just how alone he was. He was close to his mother: she was his friend and his mother. He had all of that snatched away from him in one moment. Sure he has brothers, but would they give him the same comfort that his mother would?

We have no family here. So for the next few hours, we were sitting there, alone. All I heard were my dad’s cries– sobs really. And in those moments, I made the decision: I don’t want to be alone.

I need people in my life. All I have is my brother. If something heartbreaking happens, then I have three people to rely on: my mom, dad, and brother. That’s it. No one else will understand the sorrow and pain I’ll feel.

I need more Muslims in my life because if something happens to them, then who will pray janaza with me and my brother?

I don’t want to be alone. I need to leave my pride behind and talk to my cousins even if they don’t bother communicating with me. I need to make more Muslim friends to pray janaza for my loved ones. I need to talk to people, in general, because that’s the only way I won’t be alone.

EDIT: I’m re-reading this post, and honestly I think I just want there to be more people in my life who actually care. This is something I’ve realized recently; I do have people in my life who care and honestly that’s all that matters. So instead of deleting what I wrote, I’ll just strike out the stuff that I don’t mean anymore.