cor ad cor loquitur

where heart speaks to heart

A twenty year evaluation — May 27, 2014

A twenty year evaluation

Yup, you guessed it. Today I will evaluate my life because I turned 20 yesterday. So I suppose it’s better to look back on EVERYTHING (I’m warning you now, this post will be really lengthy) that has happened in my life.

I wasn’t born in America; I was born in Pakistan. (There is so much to talk about concerning this subject; that’s for another day). Since we moved here when I was barely even two years (I don’t think I even turned 2), I pretty much consider myself an Amurican. I was such a loud child growing up. I was shy, don’t get me wrong, but I was loud and fun to be around (or at least I like to think that’s the case). I was also so adorable, but T.T that changed when I grew up. Shallowness aside, I was a loud child and pretty much raised like an only child because my brother went to Pakistan with my nani, or grandma, when he was just six months old! Until the age of 6, I was raised like an only child, and I definitely enjoyed it. This also means that I was a spoiled brat. 

Some terrible personality traits include jealousy and stubbornness (sp?). I was the most stubborn child ever. You know those temper tantrums, yeah, you best be sure I threw a lot of those. We have a video of my fifth birthday. My dad went all out and it was pretty much sweet sixteen level of partaying. It was also my brother’s haqiqa ceremony, which you can just look up if you’re curious. I was so jealous of my little one year old brother (who btw was the most adorable pseudo-chinese looking baby ever). During the cake cutting, I wouldn’t even let my brother near me. UGH STUPID KOMAL!

I started getting a bit more quiet as I got older until eventually I pretty much never socialized. In elementary school, any school friendships I made sort of disintegrated. You know, just read about my social problems here

So anyway moving to CH made me even quieter. I sort of started breaking out of that shell in 6th grade until the boy named Adam came into my life. Now I don’t even know if this is bullying or not, but I felt harassed and violated. I did go home and cry every day after school. No one at home knew about it. If you go through my 6th grade yearbook, you will see his picture crossed out completely to the point where there’s a tear in the paper. All of that progress made with breaking out of my shell was pretty much destroyed with the Adam scenario. Since this is a reflection, I want to say that I forgive Adam for everything he did, but I really can’t. I have suppressed those memories in the back of my brain, yet those are the memories that I remember most vividly.

So yeah, moving on middle school was a joke and definitely led to many of the social problems I still suffer. There was one thing I prayed to God for in eight grade. I can’t believe it, but my prayers were answered. So you can read all about the friendship problem in the link above (or here). One night, I was sad and depressed and crying, I prayed to God to give me one friend who would essentially become a “best” friend (I don’t like that term, but it’s the term that everyone understands). A few weeks later, this new girl comes to our school. We have a few mutual “friends,” but both of literally just stand there and don’t say a word to each other. It wasn’t until 9th grade that we actually started talking to each other. Six/seven years later, she is one of my best friends, my bae, and we are in a complicated three way relationship with our other bae (I don’t bend that way btw. We just are in a three way relationship. When we get boyfriends/husbands/soulmates (food)/whatever they will ALWAYS come after these two).

So turns out that God actually sent me another friend who I never knew existed until 9th grade. She was also a new student in 8th grade, but I never knew her. Slowly we became closer and closer. Our friendship is one of the things I cherish the most in my life. Sure, occasionally there are ups and downs, but that’s the key to a good friendship. We have surpassed the point of awkwardness. I’m not religious at all, and lately I’ve been starting to question religion (though I will remain my religion forever because who knows), but every day I thank God for these two. I may not have had my prayers answered immediately, but within a few years time, I got those friends that I wanted. 

This post turned into a friendship post. Anyway, I am blessed with wonderful people in my life. My parents aren’t entirely terrible, and they are VERY slowly getting less conservative. My friends are amazing, even those who I’m not in a complicated relationship with. I’m moving forward in my career; although, I still question whether or not it’s something I truly want to do.

Talking about work: that pharmacist who I talked about before, who was terrible to me, well that was immature me speaking. She’s pretty nice now. I think her signature style is just being cranky, which is fine by me because most of the time I act like I hate life.

I truly love life though. I am so blessed with everything that I truly do not deserve. I have not been the best friend, daughter, or even co-worker. But I’m slowly working on improving myself. So if they do read this: THANK YOU. These two words do not do justice for everything each and every one of have done. Even if it was the thing Adam did, it made me the person who I am today. Though I’m far from perfect, I’m improving and I love myself (no but actually, I’m very narcissistic). 

This is what I want to improve on: SOCIAL SKILLZ, overall health and fitness (jfc so fat, cake all day everyday, with pizza), self-esteem and confidence around people need’s to go up (I am a funny person and sarcastic too, so I might as well show it to the world)

A look back… — May 14, 2014

A look back…

My preceptor recently assigned me something. It has nothing to do with pharmacy. Pretty much, I have to list three things I am confident about and explain them well. So you know, naturally, I was like not bad I already did that on my blog. I decided to go through my blog and find that entry and then I realized that most of these things were superficial or made no sense. Even though my positive list was much larger than my negative list, I could still find a way to refute those positives. Did I suffer a confidence blow?

I like to think I am a confident person, but in reality, I guess I’m not entirely confident. (As an aside, this was bothering me so much omg: so every time I make a mistake I just say omg i’m so stupid, but now I question whether I mean it. Usually I say it in a joking way. As in lol jk i’m not stupid i just can’t count or do stuff properly. But maybe deep down I mean it. I’m not sure) Many things have happened in the past that have severely decreased my self esteem and confidence level, but I like to believe that maybe, just maybe, I’m overcoming those and being resilient. The other part of my brain says no you’re just suppressing those memories in the your mind, but actually you let those memories affect you in all aspects. 

Regardless, this post is supposed to be a reflection of some sort. I look back at my past and evaluate it. Some of my blog posts on here are so childish. I was contemplating deleting them, but I also wanted to save those posts so I could look back and laugh/reflect. I’m still not sure if I’ll delete them, but just letting you know, world, I am slightly (very very slightly) more mature now. That doesn’t mean the rants will stop. And yes, you will still hear more of that #2kawaii4u. I’m cute, can’t help it. But you know, maybe just maybe, my posts in the future will take on a more mature tone.

Until next time, stay kawaii.

Hello again (after months) — May 8, 2014

Hello again (after months)

Hello again everyone! I highly doubt I still have followers on my blog, but I don’t really know how to check. My tumblr has followers LOL, but I suppose that’s updated regularly. Although, right now, my tumblr is graced by the presence of Chris Evans (as Captain America of course, no nsfw stuff on there ok). But um… sorry I’m getting distracted. 

You know what upsets me the most, I think of all the things I could write in a blog post, and then I forget just like that. (srsly brain, what’s wrong). 

School this year was HELL.Terrible, grades are such a joke. Overall GPA is still pretty high, but other than that this year was terrible. But then again, higher education nowadays is pretty much a business. They use marketing ploys to suck you in and make sure you stay there for good. First year was incredibly easy, I watched dramas after coming home and would still get A+ in class. Only one class I got a B+ in and that was microeconomics. Business, money, pshhh. Brain does not compute.

(Wow the grammar in this entry is terrible, but it’s an update….of sorts)

Oh can I share my current song obsession? (Lulz, who am I asking of course I can) Well actually it’s a whole soundtrack, the Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani soundtrack is the bomb yo. I’ve been listening to it for six months now, and it’s fabulous. Still amazing. And Deepika is flawless (still not as flawless as my queen, Priyanka). I also love the song Main Rang Sharbaton Ka from the movie Phata Poster Nikla Hero. Amazing song, sung by my bby Atif Aslam (11 years of fangirling, congrats bby from having a baby boy and getting married!)

I don’t what else to write, just know that I will start blogging again. School (and work) prevented from blogging for a few months. But I’m back (hopefully with a bang).

P.S. For new readers, my sarcastic and random thoughts are always in parentheses and usually italicized. Might as well bring some humor to this blog, eh?