cor ad cor loquitur

where heart speaks to heart

About love — June 25, 2014

About love

Well, I decided to take a serious turn and make this a really srs post about love. Joking aside though, when I first started this blog I initially wanted it to be a place where I vented my feelings and discussed my perspective on things. I never wanted it to be a daily “what I do in my boring life” sort of blog. THIS IS NOT A LIFESTYLE BLOG. It’s simply a medium for me to express my opinions and thoughts concerning certain matters along with sharing snippets of my life. This blog was also intended to help me discover my true self and overcome the hindrance that is SOCIALIZING. I thought it would help me become more confident and welcoming if I shared my blog with people. Well, honestly other than some close friends and tumblr peeps, no one else really knows about my blog. I guess every time I wanted to share it, I hesitated and thought, “maybe they’ll judge me even more” or “no one’s going to read my blog or comment so why bother.” ANYWAY, awkward tangent aside, today I will talk about the universal language aka love.

I am a hopeless inner romantic. There. I said it. Yes, I am absolutely in love with the idea of being in love. However, that does not mean that I want to be in love. Actually that’s something I feel conflicted about. I want to be in love, but the question remains, “can I be in love?” As a Muslim, I’m technically not supposed to interact much with boys and stuff, but I am slightly liberal with my religious views. But still, being liberal, I’m also a bit conservative. (I’ll explain more later, obvs)

So what sparked this post? Well, for some reason, someone I know (I guess I’ll keep the identity confidential. I guess we’re friends sorta, kinda, maybe. We’re definitely not IJK level friends, but lez b real that takes a while, ily bbz) asked me about arranged marriages. Said person knows I’m Muslim, so maybe he was wondering or something idek. Every time someone asks me about this though, I get lost into thought. I begin thinking about this thing called love and marriage and relationships. 

Do I want an arranged marriage? Will someone ever love me? People will only rishta me because I’m a US citizen (and they want the (v)isa). Even if I decide to go the rishta route, will that person ever truly love me? How will I know that the person is the one? SO MANY QUESTIONS. I AM ONLY 20, I SHOULD NOT BE THINKING ABOUT THIS!!111!!
So to answer those questions that go through my mind. I’m not entirely opposed to arranged marriages because they have evolved now. Parents do not automatically decide their child’s fate. The person who is getting married has a hand in it as well. So I guess I wouldn’t entirely be opposed to the idea. I am certainly not 100% wooo go arranged marriage either. Only time can tell. 
Will someone ever love me? Oh only lawd knows the answer to that question. However, never finding love is one of my biggest fears.
People will only rishta me because I’m a US citizen: well screw you people. Let’s get personal here: I have gotten a few rishtas from people in Pakistan, who simply want their son to escape the anarchy going on in Karachi. That’s the thing though. They don’t even consider that though life may seemingly be better for their sons, what kind of marriage would that be? It’s a marriage without love; it’s pretty much a business deal. Though let me thank my wonderful daddy-o, bless that man, for answering on my behalf. (As an aside–note: no italics b/c i’m srs–I cried when I found out about this though. I don’t know why, but when my mom was like hey these ppl want this, and they talked to your dad about it, I started crying. Also I WAS ONLY 18, NOT EVEN IN COLLEGE YET WTF). Another issue I have with this is the fact that they speak to your parents first. Now if it were a boy who fell in love with me and all that’s fabulous about me asking my dad before asking me, then it’s fine (note: these are the typical “love marriages”). But to keep it so secretive and not even mention a word to me, that’s ridiculous (note: typical arranged marriage).
Even if I decide to go the rishta route, will that person ever truly love me? Who knows. I obviously wish that the person loves me, but who knows. I don’t want to be miserable my whole life either, so I’d have to be serious about this stuff.
Finally, how does one know that the person is the ONE? I don’t even know. I’m too immature for that. I haven’t experienced anything like that, so I can’t even fathom it. 
To conclude: I want to find love one day. I guess I’m opposed to the arranged marriage route because I want that typical proposal everyone gets. To have someone you love means exposing yourself in all ways possible. Right now, I can’t even imagine being able to cry my heart out and spill all my feelings to someone (I still hide things from my friends because sometimes they won’t be able to understand the situation I’m going through). It’s a beautiful and wonderful thing that I hope to one day experience. I want to be that old couple who’s still in love after years of marriage. I want my children to look at their parents and want a relationship like that. I have so much more to say, but I will just leave you all with a quote.
Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
-Oscar Wilde
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Take me back to my childhood — June 15, 2014

Take me back to my childhood

Yooooo, I’m back with another bang today. Actually, now that I think about this post will definitely be an explosion of all sorts because I have sooo  many things to talk about. As usual, this is a ranting post with a mix of I’m so sad about my oh so boring life.. (oh wait, those are usually posted on my tumblr tho wtf not WordPress). Without further adieu, let’s get angry (and sad) wooo (I’m a bit hyper and tired and allergic right now….definitely something in the air today)

It’s not a surprise anymore that I work at a pharmacy…a hospital pharmacy to be exact. Obviously, I won’t mention where I work, but sometimes work makes me so angry. Everyone at work is older than me. I’m the youngest one in the department actually at 20 years young. It’s nice being the youngest one; it probably stems from the fact that I appreciate the kawaii lifestyle so I love being young and adorable. Everyone babies me which can be good or bad. It’s good because when I have a crap load of labels to do people will help me draw up the drugs. But then maybe it takes away from the learning opportunity and time management skills. I need to learn how to do all the work by myself without having someone help me. I also really need to pick up the speed because I’m slow af when it comes to drawing up and making drugs. 

(I was a bit angry yesterday. I should have just blogged yesterday because I’m really not feelin’ it rn. But the show must continue).

Being the youngest, I’m often surprised by how some of these older people act. There is so much back biting and gossiping going on at the pharmacy. People obviously hate their bosses, but sometimes the things said just horrify me. (I’ve also heard certain things not about the administration, but yours truly, that have really upset me. I won’t post that here though.) What good comes out of gossiping about someone? (Ok, gossiping is done by me sometimes, but talking behind someone’s back and then being nice to them up front is the worst thing ever. Anyone who back bites is a terrible person and should burn in the fiery pits of Tartarus.) I always try to see the positive in people and try to like them. Of course there are someone people who I don’t like at the pharmacy, but I still try my best to be cordial with them. I actually have a mental list of favorites at the Pharm (includes pharmacists and technicians and students). 

ANYWAY, that tangent tho. Returning to my main point, does talking behind someone’s back make you feel nice about yourself? Or are you just jealous of how amazing a person is? Maybe you wish that was you instead. They’re all so much older than I am, yet they act like five year olds and it angers me. Back biting never hurt when I was little, but now it’s pierces my heart. You don’t even have to say stuff about me behind my back, I won’t ever know, but when you talk shit about another person while I’m there, you can be sure that I will be pissed.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the people I work with– almost all of them. But things like these make me angry and upset. I lose a little bit of respect for that person when I hear them saying terrible things. Of course, I don’t agree with things the administration says, and I would appreciate it if the director would think of us as humans rather than money making robot machines, but still the stuff some people say is beyond reasonable limits.

Okay, so yeah hearing things and being stressed out isn’t a good combo, especially if both are because of work. I worked a few weekdays to get more hours and moneyay over the summer, and I am so stressed omfg. I like working weekdays because more people work, so the hospital seems less depressing. But the workload is crazy ridiculous. I get so stressed out that I’m near the verge of yelling in frustration in front of people (which never happens btw. I hide my true personality in the presence of people I’m not yet comfortable with. I am an enigma)

At the end of the day, all I really want is a hug so that I feel better and a foot massage.

 

Cause I’m happy — June 2, 2014

Cause I’m happy

Ayo, let’s crank out a blog post in the 17 minutes I have until 12 PM after which I have to partayyyy. Sorry, I’m trying to retain the humor on this blog because lemme just tell you, the previous few posts have been so unfunny and just ugh. I thought working made me lose my humor. I mean you are stuck in a single room in the hospital for 8 hours and being in a hospital just sort of detaches you from the world. Once I leave, I’m literally just like “I CAN SEE THE LIGHT” with a little bit of “IT BURNS!!”

Wow see, I cranked out funny in one paragraph in 3 minutes. Woooo, funny Komal: 1, boring Komal: 0. Let’s celebrate wooo. Oh yeah, did you know I turned 20 last week. It’s a pleasant experience so far. My back hurts, stomach hurts, allergies galore. This is what 20 must feel like. Oh did I mention lack of sleep? (I am being sarcastic in case you didn’t realize).

I got a panda cake for my birthday. My fatass I decided to eat three pieces of it because it tasted so good. In my defense though, it was two small pieces before leaving and then one medium piece when I cut the cake. My preceptor made it for me, and I still wonder why I was made a cake. Though, the gesture was much appreciated. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me (which is really sad if you ask me. Twenty years of life and the nicest thing someone has done for me is making me a panda cake). I mean he probably spent hours making the panda and it was adorbs. Cutest cake ever.

pandacake

 

ISN’T IT ADORABLE THOUGH? (You know how I said I would edit this post…well yeah, not happening. The beauty of blogging is that I don’t have to really edit anything. These imperfect posts with terrible grammar are good enough.

People at work have decided that I am too quiet. Seriously EVERYONE has been saying that. Do I seem quiet from my blog posts? Especially this post, like I am totally hyper and excited for some reason and just happy and everything. (In the next hour, I’ll return to being angry old me.) My life is work right now because school’s out (scream and shout–isn’t that what the High School Musical song says). But most of the people at uni suck anyway. Well, let me clarify, they don’t suck they’re just boring. LIKE BE FUN FOR ONCE (I’m one to talk. I’m the boringest person evaarrr).

Okay my blogging happily spree is coming to end because it’s almost 12 PM now. WOOO.

FINALLY A FUNNY BLOG POST THO! amirite or amirite?

Oh and the title is this little song that the pharmacist was singing yesterday. I promised her I would yell frustratedly one day. So many unkept promises.

I’m just covering up the sad I’ve been feeling since yesterday.