cor ad cor loquitur

where heart speaks to heart

Secretly love chatting…WAT — August 21, 2014

Secretly love chatting…WAT

I feel like all I blog about is my social anxiety. I’m sure you’re all tired of reading about it too. But the thing is, blogging is the medium through which I vent my frustrations and share my thoughts. It’s sort of like a diary except a bit more public. With that comes limitations also, I don’t blog about every aspect of my life. There are still certain secrets that are known to me and a few other people, but those are not secrets that I wish to share on the internet. It’s not that I’m afraid of sharing my secrets. I just worry about what would happen if someone who knows me happens to come upon my blog. As usual, I digressed into a long tangent and now back to da showww. (Sarcastic/funny comments will be italicized rather than italicized and in parentheses #2lazy2fcn)

It’s not that I don’t want to talk to people. I do. In fact, I talk to people online all the time. I love talking to people. But the thing is face to face, I don’t know what to say at all. So any hope of conversation dissolves and disappears into some dark abyss where all awkwardly ended convos end up. Now if the other person is great at keeping a conversation going, then we can certainly keep talking. But the thing is, there will never be any effort from my side to continue the conversation. Which will lead us to the next point woo.

I never make any effort to keep the conversation going or to be the first to initiate a conversation. Why? It’s NOT because I don’t like you. It’s only because I guess I perceive that as being clingy. In eight grade we went to Six Flags, and one of my friends was like you should hang out with us more. And I said “I don’t want anyone to think I’m being clingy and following them around. I don’t want to annoy you guys.” But see, for some reason my brain does not compute friendship properly or just people relationships in general. Not everyone is a friend obviously; there’s coworkers also– some may evolve into friends, but you can’t relate to every single one of your coworkers. BUT ANYWAY, jfc so many tangents, I think that’s just in my mind though. Most people would probably appreciate it more if I was the first to initiate a conversation. If anyone I know irl is reading this and you somehow happened upon my blog, you stalker smh jkjk ily, I do love having conversations and talking. I just have the emotional capacity of a rock.

Speaking of silly misconceptions, sometimes I feel like people don’t find me interesting at all, which is entirely my own fault for being so guarded and quietDamn, so much self loathing in this post. But I guess I pretty much figured it out. If I were a bit more open, dare I say extroverted *shudder*, then people would love talking to me. I mean I am a pretty funny person at times. And 99% of the time anything I say is meant to be taken lightly because every word that comes out of my mouth is laced with sarcasm. I love being childish and boy you need to see my expressions and aadayein (it’s an Urdu word, not sure how to translate) when I listen and sing along to music.
 
Wow, I’m actually saying positive things about myself. That’s funny. Where was this self-loving person Monday during my orientation at CMSRU?! We had to make a list of positive qualities about us and negate it. Obviously, my mind only thought of negative things and I bsed the positive traits. lulz. 
 
Okay, I’m done now. Brain fuel no longer existent.
 
P.S. I wrote a few blog posts ahead of time that will randomly post themselves during the semester. So you won’t be hearing from me in real time unless I desperately need to vent. I guess this is a farewell for the next few weeks. BUT NO WORRIES, there will still be blog posts for you all to read that will be posted in a timely manner.
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A whole new world — August 9, 2014

A whole new world

Pretty sure I’ve titled another one of my blogposts that. My travel board on Pinterest is titled that. Obviously, it’s the Disney song from my favorite, Aladdin. It’s such a wonderful movie, and the classic tales are also a great read. Alas, I digress. I want to talk about travelling, something which I’ve barely done. It’s the thing I desire the most in this world. I want to travel the world, experience different cultures, and escape from my reality. Don’t you wish you were a Doctor Who companion sometimes? Then you could travel the galaxy. But you’d also have to worry about daleks and the WORST THINGS EVER– the weeping angels. I digress again.

I made a list of countries I wanted to visit a long time ago. It’s posted on my tumblr, but for your convenience I’ll copy and paste it here.

  1. UK (England)
  2. UAE (Dubai)
  3. Germany
  4. Ireland
  5. Switzerland
  6. South Korea
  7. India
  8. China
  9. Brazil
  10. Italy
  11. Greece
  12. Turkey
  13. France
  14. Spain
  15. Japan
  16. Malaysia
  17. Singapore
  18. Bangkok (Thailand)
  19. South Africa
  20. Egypt

Formatting is a bit messed up now. Typical.

This list is far too small. There are many more countries I want to add to the list. However, it’s quite hard to remember them all.

So in total, I’ve visited three countries (well technically two since country of residence doesn’t count). I’ve been to Canada and Pakistan. I’ve been to Canada twice, and Pakistan way too many times.

The thing is every time I visit a place with my family, we end up staying with a distant relative or close family. So then we’re confined to going wherever they want to take us. The first time we went to Canada, we went with one of my dad’s friends and stayed in a motel. This was a great vacation because for once we weren’t confined to going certain places. We could go wherever we wanted to. Despite that, we only went to the falls (Niagra) everyday of our five day long trip. But it was beautiful because it was around Fourth of July so they had fireworks everyday, and they would light up the falls in different colors. We also went to some amusement park (I was like eight). I can’t remember the name, but we saw a live whale show and dolphin show. Oh it was so much fun. Even the long eight to ten hour drive was beautiful because it was full of mountains and greenery.

The second time we went to Canada, we went for like two days. That was to drop off my mom’s aunt and uncle at her cousin’s house. We explored downtown Toronto a bit and of course the falls. The thing I regret about both trips was not visiting the CN tower or Skylon tower. I was also too scared to go on Maid of the Mist and Journey behind the Falls. Imagine how beautiful that could have been.

We could go now. My mom has a lot of family there. But my mom, ugh. She doesn’t want to go anywhere but Pakistan. And I am sick and tired of going to Pakistan. And even then, my mom wants to stay in Pakistan for weeks, even months. The longest I’ve stayed is a month, and let me just tell you, that was the worst month of my life.

That brings me to Pakistan. Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud to be a Pakistani, and I love the country. I think the country has great potential once the people themselves adapt a modern, realistic mindset. I want to explore that country- go to Islamabad, Bhutan, Lahore, and Quetta. But we go to Karachi every time. All of our family lives there. We’re the only ones living here in USA. I’m not close to my cousins or aunts or uncles. Then there’s the pride issue going on in my family where some of them won’t talk to us for months and then randomly start talking to us again. Such a joke; I have self-respect. Once or twice, it’s fine, but this happens every year. I refuse to talk to you when you have no respect for my family, when you don’t realize how much my parents miss you, when you don’t realize how much they care for you, when you can’t even accept a gift without pointing out it’s flaws, when you take, take, take, but refuse to give back. You are undeserving of the love my parents give you. And for that reason, I refuse to acknowledge you or talk to you.

Karachi is so dangerous now. There are so many target killings occurring, and theft is commonplace. Brides can’t even wear gold jewelry out of fear they’ll be shot. But still there’s a certain beauty in Pakistan. There are some things that you can’t replace such as the early morning run to the bakery for some halwa puri, the bun kebab from a street stall, walking through a colorful market, spending evenings on the terrace upstairs, eating fresh kulfi from a street vendor, waking up to roosters crowing, the crunch from eating gol gappay….get my point? Those experiences are wonderful and irreplaceable. Maybe one day I’ll get over my pride and talk to my family like I used to. Only then will Pakistan be enjoyable. That’s why it was fun going there when I was little. There was no bad blood; I loved my cousins and aunts and uncles. But I realized the hypocrisy as I grew older and man was that a wake up call.

This ended up becoming a rather nostalgic post. Alas, I still have more than half the world to discover. I may need to visit these countries quite a few times. There are so many wonderful landmarks. Also, I’m visiting all of the Seven Wonders of the World- Ancient and New.

My wanderlust stems from my father. He wants to travel the world also. He’s already been to Canada, Pakistan, India, Germany, Australia, Singapore, and Thailand. But now he can’t go because my mom is anti-travel. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO ANYWHERE AND I FEEL TERRIBLE. My dad deserves to travel the world, but he’s restricted since the one person he wants to travel with doesn’t want to go anywhere but Pakistan.

I’m waiting to graduate college and finding a job I love. But one thing’s for sure, in four years, I will definitely have added another country to my list of countries I’ve visited.