I feel like all I blog about is my social anxiety. I’m sure you’re all tired of reading about it too. But the thing is, blogging is the medium through which I vent my frustrations and share my thoughts. It’s sort of like a diary except a bit more public. With that comes limitations also, I don’t blog about every aspect of my life. There are still certain secrets that are known to me and a few other people, but those are not secrets that I wish to share on the internet. It’s not that I’m afraid of sharing my secrets. I just worry about what would happen if someone who knows me happens to come upon my blog. As usual, I digressed into a long tangent and now back to da showww. (Sarcastic/funny comments will be italicized rather than italicized and in parentheses #2lazy2fcn)

It’s not that I don’t want to talk to people. I do. In fact, I talk to people online all the time. I love talking to people. But the thing is face to face, I don’t know what to say at all. So any hope of conversation dissolves and disappears into some dark abyss where all awkwardly ended convos end up. Now if the other person is great at keeping a conversation going, then we can certainly keep talking. But the thing is, there will never be any effort from my side to continue the conversation. Which will lead us to the next point woo.

I never make any effort to keep the conversation going or to be the first to initiate a conversation. Why? It’s NOT because I don’t like you. It’s only because I guess I perceive that as being clingy. In eight grade we went to Six Flags, and one of my friends was like you should hang out with us more. And I said “I don’t want anyone to think I’m being clingy and following them around. I don’t want to annoy you guys.” But see, for some reason my brain does not compute friendship properly or just people relationships in general. Not everyone is a friend obviously; there’s coworkers also– some may evolve into friends, but you can’t relate to every single one of your coworkers. BUT ANYWAY, jfc so many tangents, I think that’s just in my mind though. Most people would probably appreciate it more if I was the first to initiate a conversation. If anyone I know irl is reading this and you somehow happened upon my blog, you stalker smh jkjk ily, I do love having conversations and talking. I just have the emotional capacity of a rock.

Speaking of silly misconceptions, sometimes I feel like people don’t find me interesting at all, which is entirely my own fault for being so guarded and quietDamn, so much self loathing in this post. But I guess I pretty much figured it out. If I were a bit more open, dare I say extroverted *shudder*, then people would love talking to me. I mean I am a pretty funny person at times. And 99% of the time anything I say is meant to be taken lightly because every word that comes out of my mouth is laced with sarcasm. I love being childish and boy you need to see my expressions and aadayein (it’s an Urdu word, not sure how to translate) when I listen and sing along to music.
 
Wow, I’m actually saying positive things about myself. That’s funny. Where was this self-loving person Monday during my orientation at CMSRU?! We had to make a list of positive qualities about us and negate it. Obviously, my mind only thought of negative things and I bsed the positive traits. lulz. 
 
Okay, I’m done now. Brain fuel no longer existent.
 
P.S. I wrote a few blog posts ahead of time that will randomly post themselves during the semester. So you won’t be hearing from me in real time unless I desperately need to vent. I guess this is a farewell for the next few weeks. BUT NO WORRIES, there will still be blog posts for you all to read that will be posted in a timely manner.
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