cor ad cor loquitur

where heart speaks to heart

Is it negativity or just the way I’m thinking? — November 18, 2015

Is it negativity or just the way I’m thinking?

So I literally just got done with an exam, but something I’ve noticed happening with every exam is that we often reach our breaking points and say things we regret. If not that, the high stress levels certainly cause us become someone who we’d never wish to be. Of course, since I’m writing all this something similar has obviously happened to me prior to this exam.

I like to think of myself as someone who is real and takes things as they are. That means if something is terrible, then I will let you know that it is terrible. I’m not going to sugar coat anything… to keep it simple, I could never be an ambassador for the university I attend. I attend a university in NE United States that offers a 6 year PharmD program. In senior year when I was applying to colleges, this university was my last choice, but I was not accepted into my top choice. I wanted to enter a 6 year PharmD program so I could get a doctorate degree in 6 years, so I decided to go to this school hoping I would be able to cope with the fact that this is my last choice.

However, four years into the program and at this school, and I realize I absolutely hate it. It’s an overpriced school that hires professors who do not care about student’s success and well-being. No student here is truly passionate about what they’re learning. The only thing students here care about is the one line on their resume that’s their GPA. The few students who are truly passionate about the practice of pharmacy are so far separated from me (your average old person) that I just feel miserable all the time.

To add on, I have to commute daily to and from school (which in total takes off 2 1/2 hours from my day). My social life is essentially non-existent. I am still the good, old Pakistani girl that my parents have dreamt of.

Not all is bad though. If I didn’t come to this school, I wouldn’t have gotten my hospital job at a wonderful institution where I am so proud to work at. But sadly, this is the only positive thing I see about coming to this school.

I never genuinely feel happy when I go to this school. I’m still not over being rejected from my number one school. I feel like I would be happier there. I would have a better social life. I wouldn’t have to commute, so I could separate myself from the plethora of family problems that I have to experience due to my extended family. It’s easy to say that I should have thought about all this before I made my decision to come to this school.

I did, but as a naive 18 year old, I thought I would be able to handle it. I thought I could just suck it up and deal with it. I have 3 more semesters left of learning and then I have one year of rotations until I am done with this school. I feel grateful for the education I have received from this school and the knowledge that has accumulated. But the most important thing is being happy, and that I can assure you, I am not.

Crying is good for the soul — November 6, 2015

Crying is good for the soul

I’ve been feeling pretty down lately, and there are reasons as to why I feel that way. During exam time, which is currently going on in full swing, everything that’s emotional or stressful that I’ve been hiding in the back of my mind decides to burst forward. Is it the most optimal time for this to happen? No it’s definitely not. I don’t want to cry and I always try to prevent exams from getting to me, but everything piles onto my shoulders until I reach that breaking point. That breaking point happened yesterday.

So this summer, a lot of things have happened to me. My 20 year old cousin passed away. I went to Pakistan. I thought I would spend my life with someone who I genuinely liked, only to have reality strike and say that no that’s not possible. And then once the semester started in August, the stress piled up even more. Then there were problems with my parents and problems with my family. And so that piled up on top of everything else. (Now I understand that other people have it waaay worse, but everyone has a different level of stress tolerance. My stress tolerance is relatively high, but yesterday everything just piled on top and I was just done and sobbing.)

This time I decided to take another approach to my stress relief. Usually, in times of high stress, I tend to go on a Tumblr vent/rant or post on this blog in very vague terms. Yesterday, however, I decided to stand in front of a mirror and talk to my own reflection. It sounds insane, but before I knew the more I talked about my problems, the more I felt that burning sensation in my eyes until I was full on crying and sobbing.

I was able to be raw and open with myself, and that was comfortable for once. It felt better because actually dictating what bothered me got my emotions to come forward. Simply typing up a blog post just makes me feel better that at least I wrote out about my problems, but they’re still there in the back of my mind. It doesn’t do anything to make me feel better. Talking to my reflection, as insane as it sounds, made it seem like there was someone there to listen to me. So when I tricked my brain into believing that, the tears naturally started flowing.

I feel better and now I know how to cope with all the mental and emotional stress that builds up from being in pharmacy school. Stress is a natural part of life, but if you can’t do anything to reduce the stress levels, then you slowly just die from the inside until you’re just a reflection of your former self. I saw that change in myself. Letting the stress pile up made me more bitter, angry, and less patient with people around me. I feel much better today. Maybe one day I will stop talking to my reflection and verbalize my feelings to a friend, SO, or my parents. But until then, this shall suffice.