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where heart speaks to heart

What is friendship really? — March 28, 2017

What is friendship really?

You guys know by now that I like to write these posts whenever I’m feeling down or depressed, so naturally that’s exactly how I feel right now and need a way to gather my thoughts and potentially hope that someone out there will read it. I was thinking about doing a review on those Foot Peeling Masks from Amazon. I bought one, wore it for an hour, and am currently waiting for my skin to start feeling. But I completely forgot to take before and after pictures so there’s that. Since my feet didn’t start peeling yet I still have time, so I might do a review on that soon stay tuned. Okay, now for my venting, which I hope entertains you guys or provides some perspective.

For the record, I don’t necessarily consider myself a lonely person. There are friends in my life, but I certainly expect more from friends. Something I’ve been thinking about: dosti sub ko karni ati hai, magar nibhani bohat kam logon ko ati hai. I think that sounds so much better in Urdu. But if anyone wants a rough translation: everyone knows how to form frienships, but not everyone knows how to maintain them. What I’m getting at is that people have emotional needs to which they look towards the loved ones in their lives- friends, family, and significant others. Alhamdulillah, I am so blessed to have wonderful parents who support and guide me every step of the way. But sometimes the love and support provided by parents is not enough. I have always maintained that no matter how close you are to your parents, there are some things that you simply cannot talk about with your parents. There are some things that require the guidance of friends.

I honestly don’t know if I’ve had a lot of things going on in my life or if I’m just overreacting. Honestly, it could be either one. My dad had two cataract eye surgeries, my mom is really trying her best to stay positive through everything going on with her (it is not my place to discuss her problems), my life might change drastically, learning about cancer in class has made me concerned about my family’s health, my cousin had a baby: all of these I want to talk to someone about, but who? To be very fucking honest, no one seems to act like they care. It especially hurts since I am the one everyone comes to when they need someone to talk to or vent. Maybe I’m just not trusting them enough with my secrets, or maybe they don’t care.

College for me was going to be a chance to reinvent myself, and it was, don’t get me wrong. But it was also a chance for me to find friends who would definitely be there for me, not just to listen, but to respond, provide advice, just to be there emotionally. A lot of the emotions I feel stem from my Pakistani background and the cultural norms surrounding it. I am expected to be engaged, then married, then have kids, and while all of these are things I want in life, I also want love and romance. If I feel concerned for a parents health, I want to be able to call up a friend and just cry to her about my concern. I don’t want to see a goddamn check or “read.”

Not all friends are like this, but definitely the friends I count on to be there especially since I’m always open to their venting/rantings could at least try to be there for me. Like I said maybe, it’s the way I think. I tend to be very pessimistic and distrustful of people when it comes to relationships and friendships, but that’s because I have been hurt in the past and it’s just something that I have never fully recovered from.

I have just been feeling so down and abandoned by so called friends. I reached my breaking point the other day and just started bawling my eyes out and sobbing in the study room. There were so many people around, but I just could not stop crying. Then when I went home, I just cried some more to my mom. Of course, this was precipitated by something, and its something that I don’t feel comfortable sharing.

Maybe in the next year after I graduate, I need to move away from everyone and start a new life, fresh, away from all old so called friends. I just need to find new friends, but that’s not the easiest thing when you’re socially awkward.