cor ad cor loquitur

where heart speaks to heart

A tale of two emotions — May 11, 2017

A tale of two emotions

It is the best of times, it is the worst of times. I honestly wanted to write a happier blog post today. I’m finally done with finals and studying forever (with the exception of my licensing exam). Tomorrow, we’re going to learn how to administer shots–a daunting task for someone who’s afraid of needles. Then, rotations start after Memorial Day, and I’ll be in a world surrounding by attractive healthcare professionals. I have reconciled friendships with so many lost friends. I genuinely enjoy my life right now. I feel amazing and look skinny. Just in general, this is the first time I have ever felt comfortable about my body and appearance. BUT THEN…

I am 90% sure I was in love with this boy. I met him at a wedding (had met him at other events before) and just absolutely fell in love with him. He was mom-approved and dad-approved. The process had kind of started until he/his family said no. Do you know what that does to a girl who already has low self-esteem? It fucking kills her from the inside. The second I found out it was a resounding no, I cried straight for 3 hours. …But I held onto hope.

Then last year, in May, two days after my birthday, I found out he’s engaged. More crying, more devastation, more sadness, more low self-esteem. But stupid me held onto hope. Today, I find out he is now married. The good thing is I’m not as devastated as I could have been. But there was always a part of me that thought maybe all of these are obstacles and something good may come of it.

When people ask me to describe my ideal man, he is the one I describe because he was ideal in every way possible. He was the sweetest, most respectful guy I knew. And now I think was I in love with him or just the idea of him? After all, he was my ideal guy, but the most we ever said to each other was salam and have a good day.

People go through worse than this. They go through devastating break-ups, they’re cheated on, etc etc. But to me, a sheltered Pakistani, Muslim girl, this was the most devastating thing ever. I had never felt so depressed in my entire life. I’m glad my happiness is helping overshadow my pain. I’m glad I had a heart-to-heart with one of my good friends today, but now I’m also afraid that every single romantic prospect in my life will be compared to him. And no one will ever be better than him.