WARNING: this will be long.
Ramadan is here, finally, meaning Muslims all around the world focus on strengthening their relationship with Allah and ask for forgiveness for any and all sins committed within the past Islamic year. This Ramadan, I am at an all time low and let me tell you why. You know what’s funny? When I started this blog, I used to write about happy things and then as you scroll through the years you can slowly see my mental stability declining and depression consuming me. I’m not even going to apologize now for only writing when I’m depressed. That’s my fate. I was just never meant to be happy.
So if you remember from my New Year’s post, I did a thing last year which I now immensely regret. I made an account on Muzmatch for the fun of it and because my dad kept putting so much pressure on me to get married. I wasn’t really looking for anything serious at the time, just kinda testing the waters. One terrible guy after another, one failed attempt after another.. I was ready to give up.
I match with this one guy who okay at first glance I don’t find him attractive. He’s not bad looking, but he’s also not the Fawad Khan type of guys I usually like. But I read his about me and I’m intrigued. He starts it off by saying “I am not boring.” We start talking and I’m like oh okay this guy seems really nice, but no way in hell is he interested in me. If he were interested in me, then wouldn’t he ask for my number? We’ve been talking for three weeks now and none of that. But it happened. We would talk daily. I’d forego my sleep and talk to him well past midnight every day. But he still didn’t say anything about liking me.
And then that happened to. He sent me this wonderful message which I have saved to this day. It makes me cry every time I read it for so many reasons. It made me cry the day he sent me the message because I felt that, for the first time in my life, someone could see past the facade I put on and really understand who I am as a person. Granted, he didn’t know much about me at the time, but that mystery and intrigue would keep things interesting. I had to tell him up front though, I wasn’t looking for a casual dating relationship. I wanted marriage, but I agreed that we both needed time to figure that out.
He lived 10 hours away in a different state, but was willing to come down and meet me here. Seeing all that, I couldn’t continue to be guarded, so I decided to slowly open up to him. It was only fair since he had already opened up to me and told me things about himself that you could never guess at first glance.
I went on one date with him. That’s right, just one. And that too was after we had been talking for three months. So I felt comfortable enough meeting a stranger who I’d met online. But I had to tell my mother. I had to, and she wanted to meet him. Bad idea, terrible mistake. That did happen, and that’s when everything went downhill.
It should be no surprise to regular readers of this blog how hopeless of a romantic I am. I have desperately wanted a significant other since the age of 22, and now that hope has been destroyed. Now it’s truly hopeless.
See the thing about me is, I want that love and romance and companionship, but I don’t like most guys. I talked to so many guys on Muzmatch and only ended up having feelings for one. I’ve gotten so many rishtas, but I only said yes to one (and that was a disaster too). With him though, things felt different…they felt right. Don’t think I wasn’t wary, but in the bottom of my heart, I knew that all of that was just my defenses kicking up. I even did istikhara seven times and each time the result was positive. Look at me now. A shadow of my former self.
I’m not going to go into the details of what made everything go downhill. That’s not something I want to share, but I will say that he stopped talking to me completely for months. Until one day, I picked up the courage and asked him what’s up. I said so many horrible things to him during that time. I’ve had panic attacks, multiple depressive episodes, and many nights without sleep. I lost 20 pounds over those 6 months that we didn’t talk. If you read the messages I sent him, you can clearly see my mental stability going on a rollercoaster.
And when I told him, I still liked him, he couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it either. Usually I’m not confrontational and let things die down, but I knew that if I was putting in all this strength and literally killing myself (yes, that’s how low the depression got), then that meant what I felt for him was more than infatuation. Maybe not love, but certainly not infatuation.
So yeah, things are over now. I used to hopefully say I was a hopeless romantic, but now when I say that I mean hopeless in the truest definition of that word. I am hopeless now. I don’t ever want to join that app again and look again. Guys on there were horrible with no respect for women. I was called a waste of time. I would be unmatched once they saw my face. I would be ghosted on once they saw me on Snapchat.
To top it all off, my uncontrollable sobbing led to my dad hearing me cry. I lost all control and just told him about everything. He now says he’s done with the rishta process and I can do whatever I want. Which you might say is good. It’s not. Because I am adamant about not joining that app or any app for that matter.
Over the past few days, I have thought there are things wrong with me. I have thought that I was not pretty enough. I have thought that I deserve this because of some sin I have committed in my life.
I have accepted the fact that happiness is not meant to be. I have accepted the fact that my white picket fence dream will be just that–a dream. And I look back at myself a year ago, and I want to yell at her. Why did I join that app? Why did I do this? And though I shouldn’t be saying this, certainly not in Ramadan, why did Allah have to put me through this again?
I am a shadow of my former self. I will graduate next week. I will start a residency in July. I will be moving out and into the adult world. All things exciting, right? Hopefully, the facade of happiness will convince you.