Tere bina jeena nahi ve soniya. That’s what I used to sing when “we” was a possibility.
Tere sang suki roti bhaaye. I also used to sing this because if “we” could exist I would be fine with whatever so long as we was a possibility.
Bole zamana yun mai teri jaisi hoon, tu bhi toh mujhsa dikh zaara. Another song I used to sing, thinking you were there with, imagining that you would respond: mera hi saaya tu hai, mujh me samaya tu hai, har pal yai lagta hai mujhe.
I wanted us to have conversations about everything and anything in this world. But you never gave me the chance. For once in my life, I was willing to take the risk and give up everything because that’s how much I truly loved you. Life has a way of playing games, but the biggest game was played by you.
I keep saying I’m over it. I keep saying I don’t care, but the truth is I care so much. It hurts everyday. Everyday I think about what could have been, but you never let that happen. The worst part of it all was you never gave a reason.
Now, when I try to move on, that still hurts. Because every time it’s a negative, I automatically think there’s something wrong with me. There has to be something wrong with me. The one I loved left and now all the others are leaving also. There can’t be a problem with the others, it has to be a problem with me.
The anger and frustration builds inside me, but so does the sadness. The sadness takes over and suffocates me. I want to scream in anger at you and everyone who does this, but I keep believing something’s wrong with me so I continue my self-destruction.
I just wish it would all end. I bet you didn’t think that such a simple thing would cause me so much pain. Well, it does, but what do you care. You are there in your corner of the world, smiling with that beautiful girl. You probably don’t even realize how much you destroyed me.
And so now, I continue writing about you and the hurt and anger you caused in hopes that maybe I will get over it and move on. But life is so funny. It has a way of playing games with you. Something happens, someone hurts me yet again, and I think back to you and what could have been only to be reminded that you are the greatest culprit.